‘Twas the perfect day for an off-season wedding. Clouds blanketed Cannon Beach with sufficient wetness to justify rain pants. Enough bluster was present to dispense with hair styling.
Family members and friends huddled together on the sodden sand south of Ecola Creek. For the first time in my life, I was asked to officiate a wedding. The betrothed couple said they wanted me, even though I’m not an ordained anything, because of my core commitment to marriage.
Truth is, I am obsessed with it. Watt’s dream world is populated with souls who love their spouses as themselves. That marital bond is a primary building block for a society that embraces the golden rule.
The ceremony was short, as requested. I said a few words about the ties that bind, then read a passage the couple had chosen from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. They exchanged vows, wept, gave each other rings and kissed.
I shouted “mazel tov!” and that was it. Less than 10 minutes capped their first seven years together with the pledge to live the rest of their lives as one.
Weeks later, my wife Jennifer and I revisited the meaning of that oneness during a drive to the Portland airport. The sudden trip to Tennessee was prompted by news that my dad had stopped breathing for 6 to 10 minutes after a surprise heart attack. We were thunderstruck by the thought of his death, and the days ahead for my mom.
Emily and Harold Childress have been married for more than 50 years, a little more than twice the time that Jennifer and I have been a couple. Like them, we depend on each other. The heft of that reality rolled over us on the way to Portland, where I would board a plane and she would head back to our farm and daughters in the Nehalem Valley.
I drove. Jennifer navigated. We talked.
“My grandparents relied on each other for 70 years,” Jennifer said. “When Papa died, Mama learned to get by on her own. Yet she still spoke to him.”
Margaret and Nason James (that’s how I knew them) were a comfort and an inspiration. Visits with them in Seattle always provided a beloved break from the mean status quo. Their tiny apartment was an island of sweet sanity. Like my parents, they showed us how couples partner for the long haul.
The value of that partnership is overlooked in a society focused on individual egos. Mass media portrays matelessness as the mode of freedom, excitement and personal growth. At the same time, some people view marriage as a government-run club that should exclude couples based on gender.
All that flies out the window when helpmates stand at death’s door. Jennifer and I spoke of what we are likely to face when we arrive at the same place as my parents. In my shock at the prospect of sudden death, I imagined how our union would transform.
“Get in the right lane,” Jennifer advised.
Several days later, I was flooded with gratitude when Dad was able to move his hands and toes. No one knew what the lack of oxygen would do to his brain. But we realized he was still cognizant when Dad said “Emily” and looked up at Mom with a big smile. These were the first baby steps in a miraculous recovery that showcased their love.
When my friends first asked me to officiate their wedding, I told them up front that I believed no earthly authority beyond their vows had the power to pronounce them married. I described how Jennifer and I made that pronouncement on the train tracks one day in Knoxville, just us and God.
I also told them how it shatters my heart when couples I know split up. It’s like a death to me, especially when children are involved. When they said “We feel the same way,” I knew down deep why they wanted me for the job.
Matrimony isn’t for everybody. Plenty of good people are fated to stay single, and there are compelling reasons for divorce.
Yet the ideal of marriage is worthy of much broader public affirmation. Fixation on sexual orientation has been a divisive distraction from that ideal. Time to acknowledge the legitimacy of marital vows for all couples who embrace that common commitment.
The lifelong union of mutual care is a miracle. Come rain or shine, we have cause to celebrate when two people offer that gift to the world.
– First published as a column in The Daily Astorian.
Your thoughts on marriage are pretty deep, Watt. I like the idea of the independent nature of marriage – that the people involved determine its character, and not any earthly authority. The ideal of life-long mutual care is deeper, I think, than the ideal of procreative and child-nurturing force.
Nancy and I found a judge that had vows that we tweaked and were good. We signed the papers, but it was a formality. We got married late, and it’s been work to keep it going.
I too am heartbroken when couples I know split up. But like child-care choices, what’s best for the kid is most important. One of a couple’s most important jobs is raising children. If they can’t do that, then whatever is best for the children should happen.
All of that said, we all need to work more on keeping our spouses and ourselves happy. Like the old airplane thing, first yourself, so you can deal with your children.
I think a conversation on marriage would be a great addition to the blog, or the confessional. It really is sort of a miracle. The couple is like another life form which evolves as two people live with each other over time. And like any life form, that’s a miracle.
Write on, brother!
There’s a lot to think about packed into that statement, RB. I think we could discuss it over a beer together one night a week for the rest of our lives. If given the either-or choice, I’d prefer to do that with you rather than Charles Darwin.
O.K., I guess it would be cool to drink a few with Chuck too, if we all lived in a strange parallel universe where time is no obstacle. Perhaps you and I could invite him to join us at our end of the bar; then the three of us could discuss the broader mutuality-building role of marrage in sustaining humanity. We might even persuade the Chuckster to give us some good hard quotes to refute the swill of Social Darwinism.
I want to believe our chances of doing so would be improved if Jennifer, Nancy, and Emma were there drinking with us.
Cheers!
Great idea! We could all watch Midnight in Paris and channel a bunch of other great minds and ask their opinions!
I’d say — Let’s nurture everything around us. Our children, the children of others, one another, and the rest of creation. The force of love be it for procreation or for caring is powerful and healing and hopefully lifelong.
Amen, Jennifer!
This is awesome and powerful stuff Watt… Big, deep, wide, old, young, growing, learning, living, loving, entrances, exits, beliefs, knowledge, ignorance, mass media, wisdom, community and society.
Thank you for who you and your family are, and for sharing your wisdom as much as you are able to do such an impossible thing. I don’t know your friends, I didn’t know until I read the above column that you had conducted this ceremony, but I knew instantly upon reading this why your friends wanted you for the job. Thank you for sharing. It really is awesome and powerful stuff and I don’t think that I can say it any better than Rabbi Bob, “Write on, brother!”
Speaking of love and nurturing, there’s a book about marriage that found me a while back titled “Mindful Loving” 10 Practices for Creating Deeper Connections by Henry Grayson. This book is about choosing happiness and love and I can’t recommend it enough. It begins with Chapter 1, “Rethinking the Purpose of Marriage”, Choosing Love, not Fear, (Chapter 5) and containing and allowing all possibilities, it ends with Chapter 11, “The Spiritual Divorce Versus the Ego-Based Divorce”… If you can, perhaps find a small, independently-owned bookstore, if they don’t already have it, I bet they would be happy to get it for you if you asked them nicely. 🙂
Nice place you’ve got here. Thank you to all the people who give their effort and overcome their fear and write all the goodness I’ve had the privilege of reading here so far… Great stuff, thank you all! 🙂
-Matthew
Heap big praise, Brother Matthew. Makes me self-conscious, which I suspect comes with the territory when one steps into the role of ceremonial officiate.
Now perhaps I have a little better sense of how the preacher feels when someone hands him a big plate of fried chicken. Ummm ummm. Small wonder there are so many ego-based clergy.
THANK YOU for crashing through the ceiling of shyness and spreading your wings in the Upper Left ethers. Fly, I say! Soar with the owls!
Love to the family!